


Trial and Execution

by Chrysalin



Category: Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon | Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon, Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon | Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Crack, F/M, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-07
Updated: 2019-06-07
Packaged: 2020-04-12 03:40:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,868
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19123825
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chrysalin/pseuds/Chrysalin
Summary: The horrid green jacket is on trial. Will it survive?Seriously, this is pure crack.





	Trial and Execution

**Author's Note:**

> I'm copying over old stories from Fanfic. This is definitely not one of my best, but it still makes me laugh years later.

“This court is now session. Honorable Judge Aino Minako presiding.”

“You may be seated,” the judge confirmed. “This is case #98572, The People vs. UGB. Prosecuting attorney Tsukino Usagi, defense attorney Chiba Mamoru. UGB?”

“Ugly Green Blazer,” responded Tsukino-san, gesturing at the defendant’s chair.

“Objection, Your Honor!” Chiba-san snapped, leading to his feet. “The word ugly is subjective and has not been proven.”

“Sustained,” Aino-sama ruled. “Tsukino-san, please limit all responses to facts. Continue.”

“Yes, Your Honor,” she replied, bowing slightly. 

“What are the charges, Tsukino-san?” queried the judge.

“The accused is charged with disturbing the peace and causing emotional trauma for a number of witnesses. It’s also against fashion law,” she said authoritatively.

“And your client’s plea, Chiba-san?”

“Not guilty, Your Honor.”

88888888

“Tsukino-san, you may call your first witness,” Aino-sama stated.

“The prosecution calls Hino Rei, Your Honor,” Tsukino-san declared.

Aino-sama made a gesture to the bailiff, who led Rei to the stand. “Hino-san, do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help you God?”

“I do,” Rei replied tersely.

Tsukino-san stepped forward, pacing in the space in front of the witness’s stand. “Hino-san, please describe your impression of the accused.”

“It… it was horrible! Like my eyes were being seared! Babies nearby started crying! It gives me nightmares!”

“Objection, Your Honor! Overexaggeration on the part of the witness!”

“The witness was asked to give impressions. Overruled,” was the judge’s response before allowing the witness to continue her testimony. 

Rei stood and pointed at the blazer. “That… thing is a menace! A danger to society as we know it! It should never be allowed to see the light of day! Do we really want our children to grow up in a world where that sort of thing exists?”

Tsukino-san turned to the witness. “Calm down, Hino-san. Would you say that it committed the crimes that it was accused of?”

“Most definitely. I can prove at least part of my claims too. May I?” she asked the judge, who nodded her consent. Rei walked to her spot in the courtroom and picked up her baby from its carrier. She walked back to the front of the room and showed the thi… blazer to the child. The little girl took one look at the blazer and began shrieking in fear, burying her head in her mother’s shoulder. 

The judge looked slightly taken aback at the child’s reaction, as did Chiba-san, who rose and spoke. “One child’s reaction doesn’t prove the point, Your Honor.”

His statement caused several women to carry their children to the front, all of whom proceeded to shriek in fear. He was slightly mortified by that. With that many reactions, he would be hard-pressed to find a way to save his beloved blazer. 

88888888

The rest of Tsukino-san’s witnesses went in a similar fashion as Kino Makoto, Mizuno Ami, Kaiou Michiru, Meioh Setsuna, Tomoe Hotaru, Nishimura Reika, Furuhata Unazuki, and a few of his female friends from college shared their views of the despised green blazer. 

“Would you care to cross-examine the witnesses, Chiba-san?”

“Yes, Your Honor,” he replied, rising and moving to the front. 

Try as he might, however, the cross-examination of the women proved useless for his case. Nothing he asked gained him anything in his favor. His only hope was to call some witnesses of his own, so he’d try to appeal to some men, and possibly Tenou Haruka. She wouldn’t do anything to make this worse, would she? He wondered. 

“The defense calls Furuhata Motoki, Your Honor,” he stated firmly. 

Motoki moved forward and took the stand. He took the oath and looked expectantly at Chiba-san, waiting for the first question. Chiba-san took a few moments to collect his thoughts, then began. 

“Furuhata-san, would you say that the defendant is a monstrosity?”

Motoki hesitated, but Aino-sama said, “Furuhata-san, you must answer the questions.”

Motoki gulped. “Well, I… wouldn’t go that far… Calling it a monstrosity is a bit strong…”

Chiba-san arched one eyebrow in disbelief. He had thought his best friend would be on his side, not theirs. “Furuhata-san, are you saying that you find the defendant less than passable?”

“Umm… yes? It’s not the most appealing thing in the world. Sorry,” he squeaked, looking like he was ready to bolt. Chiba-san stalked back to his table irritably. 

“Your witness, Tsukino-san,” Aino-sama pointed out. 

Tsukino-san stood and moved to stand in front of Motoki. “Furuhata-san, do you find this green blazer distasteful? Or disagreeable in any way?”

Motoki started to relax a little. It looked like Usagi was going to go easy on him. “Yeah, I do. It wasn’t a good looking jacket when it was made, and there’s no way it’ll ever be fashionable.”

At her laugh and glares from Chiba-san, he started to sweat lightly. This really didn’t look good for him. “Would you perhaps say that the blazer is hideous or ugly? Your choice of descriptors. Would you please describe that jacket?”

Please don’t make me do this, Usagi-chan. “Answer the questions, Furuhata-san,” Aino-sama told him again. 

“Okay, fine. The thing is disgustingly ugly. It should’ve been burned when it was first made. It’s an eyesore. It’s vomit green, for goodness’ sake.” 

Each word out of Motoki’s mouth had his best friend’s jaw dropping lower and lower. He couldn’t believe Motoki was doing this to him. Oh, Mamoru-kun is going to kill me, I am so dead when he catches up with me. He must’ve thought I would side with him. 

88888888

Chiba-san tried a few more witnesses, but each of them continued to side with the prosecutor. The jury was out for deliberation when he went to talk to the other attorney. 

“Why, Usako? Why are you pushing this? That jacket never did anything to you,” he said pleadingly, hoping his fiancée would relent. 

“Sorry, Mamo-chan. I’m doing this for your own good. That thing embarrasses me every time someone I know sees you in it. The girls have been plotting its demise for years,” she replied, avoiding looking at his pouting face. 

“It’s a really nice jacket, though, Usako. What would I do without it?”

“Hopefully find one that isn’t so creepily ugly. I don’t know how you can stand looking at it. Even Haruka-chan thinks it’s a disaster. Motoki-onii-san agrees with us too, doesn’t that tell you something?” she asked, finally turning to face him.

“Motoki-kun doesn’t know anything about nice jackets,” he muttered, still angry about his friend’s betrayal. 

“Mamo-chan, look at me. That thing is a fashion don’t, and always has been. We’ve asked for the death penalty. Chances are we’ll get it.”

“No! Not that! Anything but that!” he cried, trying to think of a way to save his beloved jacket. 

“Sorry, Mamo-chan. Something had to be done,” she stated ominously as the jury filed back into the room. Both attorneys returned to their respective tables to receive the verdict. 

88888888

“The jury finds the defendant… guilty, Your Honor. We recommend the death penalty,” the head juror informed the courtroom. 

“Very well. Verdict guilty, sentenced to death. The execution will take place in an hour on the balcony of Chiba Mamoru’s apartment. Method of execution: burning at the stake. This court is adjourned,” Aino-sama said seriously, hitting her bench with the mallet. 

Chiba-san watched mournfully as the blazer was carried away. Tsukino-san walked up to him.

“It’ll be all right, Mamo-chan. I’ll be there with you for the whole thing. You’ll be okay. Tomorrow we can go shopping for a new jacket for you, but,” she said sharply, “it’s subject to my approval.”

“You don’t understand,” he muttered sadly. “No one really does.”

“Was that ugly thing really of any importance, or did you just keep it because you could, Mamo-chan?”

“No, it wasn’t particularly important, I just really liked it. It’s been my favorite jacket for the past 10 years,” he said staring at the door it had just left through.

“Yes, I noticed that,” Usagi remarked dryly. “If it’s not important, it’ll be no big deal when it’s killed then, will it? We can just buy you a new jacket and move on with our lives.”

88888888

Mamoru stood on his balcony with a heavy heart, watching as the flames died down. His beloved blazer had been burnt at the stake, for surely only a witch would make so many children cry. Usagi stood next to him, giving him a comforting hug while trying to suppress a victorious grin. 

“You wouldn’t be able to wear it when you’re Neo King Endymion anyway, Mamo-chan. The thing was going to die sooner or later. It just happened to be sooner,” she said soothingly. And thank Kami-sama for that. I hated that horrid thing.

“I could’ve worn it when we were alone. I haven’t had any of your clothes burnt at the stake, have I?”

“No, Mamo-chan, you haven’t, but that’s because I don’t frequently go walking around wearing something like that.” Like I would’ve let you wear that thing even if it IS just with me. I’m glad the vomitous thing is gone. If he’d tried…

88888888

Mamoru sat bolt upright in bed, sweating profusely. He looked around, not seeing anything out of the ordinary. “Oh, thank Kami-sama. It was just a dream… wasn’t it?”

He climbed out of bed, taking care not to wake Usagi, and walked to the door that opened onto his balcony. His jaw dropped again. I guess it wasn’t a dream after all. There, in a slightly smoking mass, were the ashes of what had once been his favorite green blazer. 

He picked up the phone and called a funeral home. “Could I get a cremation urn, please? The container the ashes are in currently isn’t good enough for this situation.”

“Certainly, sir. Would you like a particular style or color? We have an online catalogue if you’d like to see the selection,” the receptionist asked smoothly. 

“I’ll take the most expensive one you’ve got,” he said decisively. He gave them his information and was informed he could pick it up any time he wanted. Mamoru grabbed his car keys and headed out the door. 

88888888

“It’s getting depressing, everyone. He’s been walking around carrying the urn full of that awful jacket’s ashes, and he won’t go to buy a new one yet. I don’t know what to do with him,” Usagi complained to her friends. 

“He’ll get over it, Usagi-chan. Just make sure you’re with him when he buys a new jacket, or you may regret it,” Rei told her best friend.

At that point, Mamoru walked into Crown to join everyone. “Hey girls, Usako,” he smirked, bending down to kiss her. Everyone’s eyes widened as they registered what he was wearing. 

“Mamo-chan, where… did you get that?” Usagi asked, trying desperately not to hyperventilate. 

“What, this old thing?” he asked wickedly as he studied her face. “I ordered it over the internet a few days ago. You said I needed to buy a new jacket, so I did.”

At that point, Usagi lost her temper. “Idiot, I said with me! You… how did you… how on earth did you manage to find the same exact hideous blazer?!?!?!”


End file.
